Searching for an internal North

How does one go on when dreams have been shattered. Fallen to the ground like the house of cards they apparently were.  Crushed into worthless pieces like cubic zirconia smashed under the weight of a thousand betrayals in life.

I need something new to live for, but I can't figure out what to make it be.  Faith is all but gone, the few remnants scattered and chased into the wind daily by the follies of crazy men (and women) full of certainty and hatred.  (Where does love shine a true light anymore?  I would walk toward that light, could I find it.)

The hopeful dreams of youth have been roundly disassembled, rendered mute as the pathetic naivetes they were.

Searching for an internal North.

I want to be at home more.  I want to keep interpreting, but not to be running all over kingdom come at every hour, increasing my carbon footprint and burning myself and my body and spirit out.  I want to be in a writing kind of life.  I want to find some sort of spiritual center for myself, from within myself.  I want a sense of peace and security.  I want more simplicity -- though "more" and "simplicity" sound as though they must surely be at odds with each other, so maybe that is the problem to start, so maybe what I really want is less.

I need to reconnect to self.  To do that, I need to run less, be still more.  Read, journal, think, write, be present with the pets and absorb their innocent committed love more.  Can I own that this is the kind of person I am, the kind of person I must be in order to be whole?  To feel, think, learn, write, muse, rest, contemplate, breathe, meditate, be still, be active in mind but less so in body?  A different sort of productivity - can I own it, respect it?  Can I find security in it and trust in some form of "higher power" to take care of the necessities?  I can be uber responsible, take every job I can get, but lose my soul in the process.  Can I say "no" and trust that I will still be taken care of?

Can I find the pause button, that magic gold watch from that t.v. show I loved when I was a kid, push the stop watch button on it and all motion around me pause so I can take time to examine and understand better?

Do I have the strength, the gumption, to do another reorg?  I feel I must, for the current pace seems unsustainable.  Worse, not only will it run me dry very quickly over time, but it leaves me empty and becomes a self-perpetuating cycle of increasing emptiness leading to madness.  But to do a full-stop, a reassessment, and then to take the necessary steps to make change . . . by now experience dictates that this will take time and concerted effort.

My guiding thought at the beginning of this year was Simplify. I made some initial good-effort stabs at it.  But it seems that the horses and wagons need to be circled now.  No one else will do it for me.  What is truly important to me?  What do I truly need to sustain and fulfill me?  How do I give that to myself?