This has been the year from hell. The year of Big Loss. Losses tantamount for me to the death of a child and the divorce from a (still beloved) spouse.
Dark, dark days, inside and out. At least outside, we know the Winter Solstice will come -- ten days and counting -- and then the days will start to grow gradually longer, brighter. The future for the inside is much less certain. Right now it feels as though the long, bitter freeze of winter will never end.
It's been suggested to me by a caring friend or two that maybe I should consider moving. Restart my life somewhere different, away from the shared spaces, all the memories.
But I've already reinvented my life that way. Twice. I simply Do Not have the strength to do that again. Plus, I love living in the Pacific Northwest. I can't think of anywhere else I would rather live (aforementioned dark days not withstanding).
But, move or not, I find myself at another crossroads in life. Another time of being forced to take stock, shore up my meagre mental and emotional resources, and figure out how to start over. Again.
I so don't want to be starting over. I thought I saw my life ahead of me, thought I knew which direction it was going, thought it would be a good direction eventually. I touched the dream, tasted the potential for sweetness, joy, shared life with a shared love and dreams.
But now all of that is gone, and I have to start over. But I'm older and more tired this time.
I don't know how to begin reinventing myself or my life this time.
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