People keep asking me to buy into this magical thinking that a new, improved, much better and more satisfying life is waiting for me just around the corner if only I open myself up to it just the right way somehow.
I'm so completely over this childish, false-hope way of thinking about and engaging with life. I've done it for too many years and too earnestly, with far too much disappointment and heartache to continue being gullible to its lies anymore.
I think I should travel to some small isolated impoverished area of Africa and ask the inhabitants there for their expectations of a wondrous life to come for them if only they get their emotional maturing down just right or open their souls to the universe on just the right plane.
Seriously, people?
In the same vein, but going back to my roots, I had someone suggest to me recently that things aren't working in my life the way I want them to because I've "grown too far from God," that if I return to faith and get right with God, return to praying and trusting Him, relying on Him for fulness in my heart, then my life will work.
Been there, done that, lived the dream a million times over.
Do these people think that I haven't PRAYED? Do they not realize that I have prayed and Prayed and PRAYED?!? That I TRUSTED God and was naive and foolish enough to believe originally that I was given a "gift" and answer to prayer when my recent failed relationship first came along? That I thought it was finally the answer to many years of heart-cry yearning, praying, trusting, waiting? And that, as things proved difficult in the ensuing years, I prayed consistently and very very hard for things to be made right? That even now I still keep praying, even when it's absurdly foolish to be doing so?
I invested all that prayer, trust, hope, faith, in what life gave me. Now that it's proven to have been shit instead of a gift, it's repeatedly suggested to me that I should pray, trust, hope, or otherwise have faith again, that "for sure" (because everyone declares that somehow they know for sure and have faith for me when I have none) better things are on the horizon.
It's bullshit. But everyone is too scared to admit that, because they need the magical thinking fantasy to hold onto and believe in for their OWN lives.
I've been scrabbling across the desert for years, pulling myself along toward a destination that I perceived (and was sold) as being an oasis. It turned out to be nothing more than a mirage. Talk about being "burned"; I lay here now on the hot dry terrain under the burden of the searing scorch of failed hope and effort, with the rubble of the shattered oasis of my dreams around me, dry and thirsty and empty of nourishment or respite for the longings of my soul and spirit, burned up and used up, wasted and tossed aside, bones in the desert.
