I've tried this UMPteen times in my life; thanks to my religious upbringing I was well-steeped in these concepts. But I could never find something that even remotely worked for - let alone resonated with - me. Until now.
I'm not sure exactly what has changed or what is different. The materials I'm using are different, as in the books I'm using for that quiet time of reflection and connection with my "Higher Power." I think that's helping big time. I'm using a mix of (quite simple) resources that are both spiritual and also mental/intellectual/psychological. That seems to work for me. :p
But there's also some big change, or a few, inside myself and in my approach to it all. Maybe it's my "desperation"... but I'm not so sure. I've been pretty darn desperate plenty of times in my life up to this point. And I don't think it's necessarily "commitment," either. I've been pretty "committed," or at least "determined," in times past.
If anything, I think it's just something along the lines of being more relaxed about it. If I had emoticons for this blog, I would insert one here for taking a big 'ole breath. Maybe - MAYBE - what's different at this time in my life has something to do with "Acceptance."
I'm not sure, but anyway, I've been, daily, doing this little time of "reading and talking." The talking part is using my in-my-head voice, or else talking out loud... to myself and to my immediate living space... but either way always directed toward my Higher Power. This has become my daily routine of "meditation and prayer."
For the reading part, I currently have three little "daily meditation" books. Two are "secular," and one is stoutly, religiously traditional. I love them equally, and learn from and am inspired and challenged and changed by them each equally. I really enjoy both the contrast and the combination.
The "spiritual" one is a collection of writings/thoughts/prayers/meditations that was first published in 1884! This amazing gem of a daily devotional has endured since then, and for me it has been a spiritual "mainstay" during many years when I found myself rejecting most others.
The book, "Daily Strengths for Daily Needs" by Mary W. Tileston, has the following as part of the entry for the date 4/20:
"It is possible, when the future is dim, when our depressed faculties can form no bright ideas of the perfection and happiness of a better world -- it is possible still to cling to the conviction of God's merciful purpose towards His creatures, of His parental goodness even in suffering; still to feel that the path of duty, though trodden with a heavy heart, leads to peace; still to be true to conscience; still to do our work, to resist temptation, to be useful, though with diminished energy, to give up our wills when we cannot rejoice under God's mysterious providence. In this patient, though uncheered obedience, we become prepared for light. The soul gathers force."
WM E. Channing
I just love this quote. It really describes well how I feel and captures where I'm at in life and in my recovery journey right now.
My future feels desperately dim (grim?) right now and I have no vision for the future.
I definitely feel as though I am trodding forward on the path of duty - up every morning for work, go about my day and do my duty at my job and then go home to take care of the details of life there, then go to bed, then get up the next morning to do it all over again. My heart is still pretty heavy much of that time.
But still I am finding moments or glimpses of a new sort of peace that I haven't known before.
I am trying to resist temptation (especially to fall back to former ways of being), and am trying to be useful - though my energy is decidedly and sorrowfully diminished. And I'm trying to give up my own will and to practice Acceptance.
I just love the somewhat subtle yet powerful promise that occurs at the end of the passage: "In this patient, though uncheered obedience, we become prepared for light. The soul gathers force."
The soul gathers force. The soul gathers force. Holy cripes, I just love that! What a miraculous phrase. What a puddle of oddles of hope. That in my uncheered obedience for now, I am becoming prepared for LIGHT and my soul is gathering force!
That is a passage of promise and hope that is worth reading over and over again. Just one example of the value I am getting out of my exercise of "daily meditation and prayer" these days.
