You said I wasn't family-oriented, that I was "single-oriented to the core."
If you had really loved me the last five years, if you had been listening and paying attention, having empathy for me, really trying to know me, you would have known that I did a lot of grieving while we were together about the fact that my choice to be with you meant saying goodbye to the last vestiges of any hopes I ever had about having a biological family of my own.
You would have understood that I experienced this as a loss, the death of a dream, but you would have known that I thought what we had and were building together was worth it, was bigger and better.
You would have noted all the many many things I did and gave and tried to be in order to make "family" out of us four. How hard I worked to try to integrate with your already existing family (both the girls and more extended family, not just yours but integrating you all into mine, too), often against difficult odds and circumstances. You would have noted, internalized, and appreciated all the special "me" touches that I brought to your home, both physical items as well as events and - most importantly - my spirit.
I held so little back, especially those first two years. The few things I did hold back were only ever for my own self-preservation or (rarely) self-care and also because I really, truly believed it was in the best interests of all of us and for the long-term success of us as a family unit.
I wish that you could have trusted me. I wish that you could have put two and two together (I thought you were skilled in math), that you could have realized that the same wisdom and perspective that offered you advice you often liked and appreciated might also sometimes be just as valid when you sometimes didn't like what I had to say. Either I was wise and insightful, with a gift for perceiving and understanding things on a deeper emotional level, or I wasn't. It wasn't fair of you to pick and choose in that regard based on what you liked or didn't like to hear from me, based on what suited or didn't suit your ultimate intentions.
I have more I still need to say on all of this...
